check it out our google latitudes are spooning
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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