when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I smell stomach acid.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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