Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
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