please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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