Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Randomize
