Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
