All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
