Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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