Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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