I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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