i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I just had sex on a roof
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
