I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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