I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
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