His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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