Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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