A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
