i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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