I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
