So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
