Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
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I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
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Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
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