If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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