I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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