That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
