I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Randomize
