I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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