Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
