Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
