I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
May the power of my ass compel you!!
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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