I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
