He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
