FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
