just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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