i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
