you guys were way drunker than both of me
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
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Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
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And then my night got REAL pukey
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
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