I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
