btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
