hotel room ftw
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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