I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
