Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
