I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Someone came in the potted fern
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
