im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
