I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
