spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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