I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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