When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
