their songs make me feel all the things I wanna feel. Ya dig?
and what kinds of feelings would these be?
Happy, horny, occasionally hungry
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
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