I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
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