i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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