I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
