she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
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I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
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my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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