so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Randomize
