dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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