You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
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